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  Recipes for a teacher

I wouldn't like to be in Year 7, Yardleys Secondary School, Birmingham, UK, if this is what their teachers are like! (2004)

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By Salma, age 12

Take a tongue of a crocodile
Stir it well for a while
Grate in a dead man's skull
Peel some skin from a bull
Throw in a leg of a centipede
Mix in some rotten weed
Melt in a dead man's nostril
Thicken it with a fish's gill
Blend in some cow's tail
Dice and melt a dead frog's nail
Crumble in some horse's nose
Batter in your grandad's toes
Melt in a hairy ear too
Beat in some gungy goo
Mince in some fish's scale
Crunch in a slimy whale
Dissolve in some sticky sweat
An nasty teacher is what you'll get

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By Andrew, age 12

Boil up a jar of pickled fear,
De-frost a Wizard's wrinkled ear,
Pour in a gallon of dragon vomit,
Roast up a shrunken gromit,
Fry up a dead peasants eye,
Crumble in criminal 6 (Fawkes, Guy)
Squeeze in a shot man,
Melt in a rusty van,
Steam in a 2 year old OXO cube,
Grate a brick from the London Tube,
Peel a squid that will eat ya,
And you've got a teacher!

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By Hassan, 11

Smelly damp out-of-date cheese
Boil human sneezes
Cut slimy sticky veins
Boiled hairy finger nails
Slice hairy brain
Boil up some ear wax.

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By Sinead & Hayley, age 12

Squeezed eye of a sheep, with a sprinkle of cows vomit
Roasted testicles of a bull
Steamed tail of a bunny
Saliva of a goat
Sizzle grandad's teeth or mince them
Grill the giraffe's neck
Heat-up soggy sick, yummm custard
Sieve a dead woman's blood
Blend the flesh of an Ogre
Stir two jugs of sweat from a wrestler
Lick a dead dog
And.....finally........dissolve a blood red soup in gravy
And you will have my teacher Mr.******

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By Umma, age 11

Roast a steamed eye of a sheep
Boil cow's vomit then let it dry
Add mouldy sock from a dead man
Sprinkle a testicle of an alive bull
Spicy roasted ostrich toe-nail
Pour a cough from a dead woman
Drop a slimy green tongue of a toad
Drizzle some mouldy teeth of a tiger
Slice a crocodile's crunchy tail
Bake hairy armpits from a person who has leprosy
Mash some skin of a slimy slug
Fry an ox's tail
Steam a dog's heart.

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By Liam, age 12

Stir the heads with gunge,
Cows' vomit
Add Steamed eye of a sheep
Grill frogs' toes
Crumbled roasted tongue
Roasted ostrich toenail
Sticky chewing gum with Phiranas bone
Mashed crushed rat
Add milk with frozen eyes
Boil three heads in a toaster
Fry frozen dragons eyes
Dripped mince with sweat
Add burned squirrels' bones
Sizzle a pint of wizards' heads

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By Salma, age 12 (This one's a recipe for a vampire)

Sprinkle in a dragon's teeth
Stir in some green and slimy vein
Dribble in some goat's sweat
Grill and burn a chicken's wing
Steam an eye from a bull
Stick in a leg of a centipede
Boil and stir a rotten fish
Sizzle in a goat's gum
Scrape in the skin from an seal
Put in a horseshoe
Pour in some whisked dribble
Put in a mouldy tyre
Then you'll have an evil vampire

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By Lisa, age 12

Take a tongue from a crocodile
Grilled steamed eye of a sheep
Smelly mouldy socks of a dead man
Sprinkled testicles of a bull
Minced roasted ostrich toe-nails
Crispy hawk's nose appear
Crumbled wrinkly, sweaty, spotty and rough bull's scabby horns
Peeled goats' eyes
Dice and melt a dead frog's nail
Chopping horses' shoes
Salty dogs false teeth
Spicy cats' hairy belly button
Sizzling rabbits' ears
Grilled with guinea pigs
Tossing a rat's tail
Baked donkey's coat
Burnt cat's fleece
Wisked dragon's eye balls
Squashed sheep's furry wool

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By Luke, age 12

A dead bulls ear,
With snake eyes.
Lizards tail,
Mixed with a dog's tongue.

A dead man's toe-nail,
Grinded with rotton teeth.
Mucus from a cow,
Testicles from a dead pig.

Dirty underwear from years ago,
Toasted with dogs and cats waste.
Mouldy bread,
And a slimy brain of a dead human.
To finish it off, 1000ml of dog's Saliva.

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2003-2011 Kids on the Net and the authors        Last revised 09-Jul-2011
Kids on the Net

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